Thursday, January 24th 2008

This place... it is a drain on my soul. Chaos rules in this domain and the constant strain of keeping the domain safe, investigating murders, Sabbat incursions, Demon pits... Is it worth it. The desire to keep Mortals safe is one of the only things keeping me here... and I can't even do that. Even if I caught the killer in the open... I am too weak to deal out justice. Knowing what he did to those two women, I hate him, but even then I wonder... can I bring myself to kill him? I am still haunted by killing a member of the sabbat... he was helpless and I let my anger rule me. 

I don't want to become the thing I hate.

Does living in this city... amongst the monsters make me a monster? Or was I a monster before I ever came here... maybe my cowardice in dealing with Shalinto... accepting his offer to save my life made me a monster. This Spirit... this thing hangs over me, and I willingly learned from it. The things it asked so far have been small, but I fear what it may start asking soon, I fear it may ask me to hurt people... or kill. I wonder if my stubborness in not letting it rule me frustrates it, does me not asking for its gifts anymore drive it insane?

Why did I walk away from my faith? If I was stll a faithful man I could drive it away, do I accept the fact that I am damned to easily? Why am I a Coward... it would have been better to die than be tied to Shalinto as I am now. I fear that even if I was put in a position to die it would save my life. I have to stop writing about this.

Notes to Self.

I am close to generating a Ward of sufficient strength to hard a Kindred, Luthor reported feeling a vague buzzing of energy in the area. Also I am getting close to creating a Thaumaturgical endothermic reaction in Kindred Blood. I am attempting to figure out if i am being held back by the Verbal intricacy or the finger movements since this must be cast with one hand and I am used to two.

Need to do more study into Vissisitude as a healing art, the restoration of Virgil's mobility gave me true hope for the first time in many months. I brought true happiness to someone and in my heart I hope we can use this to curb Virgil's rage.

I need to research Magics that affect Spirits... not Ghosts but natural spirits. I need the ability to have watchers without stepping on Taaron's toes. Also... Spirit Magic may allow me to bind or send away my unwanted guest.

Negative effects of Spirit's Touching violent crimescenes include Dizziness, Vomiting, and a severe desire to track down and stops sick fucks who kill women to get their jollies. 

Adrian's Bone fo Lies tests cannot be trusted, I need to be nearby next time he summons someone questionable and see if he keeps his hands in his pocket or slips away shortly before or after "summoning" I think he may be using phone calls or text message. Check with Bob on Phone tap.

I still have a headache... where is a human on Tylenol when you need one?

-Deke 01/24/2008 11:53pm